Wednesday, February 19, 2020

Finite Time

Within a generation, family norms for upper middle income folks like me have changed considerably.  My parents' gender roles were extremely traditional: during my childhood my mom stayed at home and did all the chores while my dad worked.  Whereas Amy and I both work and split the chores fairly evenly.  We have chosen this not because of societal pressure but because it reflects our preferences: Amy takes pride in her profession, we like having two incomes, and we share domestic responsibilities in ways that play to our strengths.

I am fortunate to have choices, and I realize that.  I don't feel boxed in in any way, for all of the things in my life are things I enjoy and have opted into rather than being cornered into them. But, like many modern parents, I am feeling a distinct lack of free space in my schedule.  As noted above, this is self-inflicted.  I do things - and, given that we have a rambunctious four year old in the mix, what this means most of the time is I handle Asher - so that Amy can claim some much-needed space in her life, to relax or do something fun or take care of chores that are hard to do with Asher in the mix.  She is very introverted, so this is an important accommodation to retain her sanity, and I am happy to help make it possible.




But way more than I do things to help Amy, she does things to help me.  Only my time is spent not on relaxing or doing something fun or even taking care of chores.  Instead, it's things like putting in extra time on work in the evenings or on the weekends, going on a business trip, or staying out late for a School Board meeting.  All things I enjoy, but not the same as relaxing or doing something fun or keeping up with chores.

As I've asserted before in this space, the mystical "work-life balance" is not code for "my job lets me take off when I need to stay home with a sick kid or don't want to miss my daughter's soccer game."  Those things are what normal people ought to have access to, is space in their lives for life's critical parenting moments.  When you want to be there as a dad for those moments, and you desire to fill your schedule with things like working extra hours and going on business trips and taking on major civic opportunities like sitting on a volunteer school board, "work-life balance" means you make choices to forgo certain life comforts, like free time and hobbies and doing chores without having to multi-task while doing so.

There is, mercifully, some light at the end of this tunnel.  Asher is almost old enough to not require near-constant surveillance, which opens things up considerably.  Nevertheless, parenting isn't just about the "have to's," taking care of Asher when he's up early or home from school.  It's also about the "want to's," like knowing you can make a dent in your allocation of chores now that Asher is fine by himself, but choosing anyway to play with him.

So the trade-offs will continue.  Which means I will always choose putting in the time at work AND being civically involved AND spending time with our kids AND doing my share of chores.  We have a finite amount of time.  Which on the one hand means that if you make certain choices, you're left with no discretionary space in your schedule for leisure pursuits.  But on the other hand it means that the choices you're making reflect that what you do fill your time with is important enough to be okay forgoing leisure pursuits for a season. 

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