The Explosive Child

 

Usually when you’re navigating a field strewn with landmines, the goal is to avoid them. Who wants an explosion in their face? But with parenting a pre-teen with behavioral challenges, sometimes we have to step right into it. 

I look to the Bible for guidance on how to live, which includes how to parent. Nestled in Hebrews 12, a chapter of the Bible of great significance to my faith journey, is this line: “For the moment, all discipline seems not to be pleasant, but painful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” 

Here the author is speaking of God as Father, disciplining us His children towards a life of righteousness. But the author employs the analogy of earthly fathers and their children. And in doing so they are taking as given that earthly fathers discipline their children, that discipline is not pleasant but painful, and that discipline yields positive outcomes. The use of this analogy proves that these are unassailable observations, rather than ideas that require explanation or justification. 

And yet for most parents, discipline requires some intentionality. For it isn’t pleasant, for parent or child, so our temptation is to avoid or soften it. In Asher’s case, it hurts him profoundly when we express our disapproval and render some negative consequence for some behavior he has exhibited. And, because his expression of this is usually pretty explosive, it’s no walk in the park for us either to decide on, communicate, and execute the punishment. 

But that’s why I hold that Bible verse so dear. Our goal as parents, my goal in being Asher’s parents, is not to be governed by what is easy and comfortable in the moment. Rather, what we want (and pray and live out on a daily basis) is that we are putting Asher on a journey where he comes more and more righteous. And, on that journey, there will need to be discipline, and that discipline will be painful, but yet it must be rendered still. 

I will not share details of where pre-teen Asher, in the year 2025, is in need of discipline. But any parent of a pre-teen and any parent of a special needs kid can probably relate. It is not pleasant but painful. But it is necessary, so we solder on.