Still Grieving But Still Grateful

 

On a recent plane trip, a young Black woman wearing a Penn Nursing fleece sat down near my seat. She had a very pretty face and carried herself with such grace and kindness that everyone around her (including me) could not help but notice and smile. I promptly put my headphones on and lost myself in the in-flight movie I was watching. 

But that night, I had a dream. In the dream was Aaron and Jada, but maybe 10 years older. Also in the dream was Asher, also 10 years older, and next to Asher was the young woman I’d seen on my flight. The four of them were talking and laughing as if they’d known each other their whole lives, and in my dream I was watching them from a distance with happiness in my heart. 

When you wake up from a vivid dream, it can take a while to realize where you are and what you were just dreaming of. I awoke with a sense that the dream had given me happy feelings, and it immediately occurred to me that I was imagining a parallel universe in which our fourth adoption attempt was successful and there was another child in our family. 

There must have been something about my very brief interaction with this young woman that triggered in me an image of our family having four kids in it, grown up and sharing close relationships together. I think of all those failed adoptions less and less, but clearly the hole it has left in my heart is still there, to want to be filled in such that a passing dream would form and evoke such happy thoughts. 

I told Amy about my dream and what I thought it meant. As luck would have it, not long after the dream, Asher asked me, unprompted, about my conversation with Amy, as he had overheard it and was curious to learn more about how we had tried to do one final adoption after his; this was something he had already known about but not had previously sought out more info on. 

I told him it was exciting to go for, as it would’ve given Jada a sister and Asher a younger sibling as well as another Black child to go through life with. And I told him it was sad to not have happen, although we trust in God’s perfect plans and are ever more grateful for the three children He did bring into our family. It seemed an appropriate conversation for his current age, and I’m sure not the last time we will delve into what another child would’ve meant for him and for our family dynamics. 

In life, it’s good to want things badly, even if it means that when we don’t get them we are crushed. While I think less and less of all of those “could’ve been’s,” there remains a grieving process that I am still working through, one which time and process have helped move from painful to reflective to even grateful. 

Let me tack on one more coda to this story. Where a lot of my conversation with Asher went was his interest in knowing what happened to the one little baby girl that we were on the brink of adopting. I told him we were at the airport to get her when the birth mother changed her mind, which was sad for us but in a sense a positive outcome in that it meant mother and child would stay together. I’m sure that he, perhaps more than the other two kids, has the most feelings about having been adopted out of his birth family.

Asher was not able to stay with his birth family, which is something he will have to go through his own grieving process to work out in terms of his sense of self-worth and belonging. I hope that he knows, from our words and actions, repeated every day we can remember, that God meant for him to be with us, and that we chose and continue to choose him to be ours. None of us will, on this side of glory, be fully shed of the wounds this life inflicts upon us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t live our lives, inclusive of feeling the residue of those wounds, with gratitude and serenity.

Real Estate is a Family Business

 

 

Though I rolled my eyes often at the time, I'm thankful for the many things my parents dragged me and my sister to growing up. Back then, I wanted to shoot hoops or sort baseball cards or read comics, not accompany my mom and dad to things like orchestra or hiking or the bank. But those early exposures proved useful to me, which they knew while I didn't.

One thing I remember is the occasional visit to a commercial facility that my parents had pooled their money with other Taiwanese families to buy and oversee. My parents would check on physical conditions, chat up tenants, and talk my sister and me through any outstanding issues. I don't recall being interested in these things, but clearly they made an impression since I can still remember those trips.

My own real estate interests have gravitated towards small residential units that have solid revenue potential and double as things our family can enjoy in the present (i.e. vacation properties) and/or potential move to in the future (i.e. downsize from our large rowhouse to a smaller place). Along the way, I've tried to talk our kids through my thought processes, whether scoping out things to buy, negotiating a closing, or positioning the place for rental. (I've even paid them handsomely to help with cleaning and prep between renters.)

Perhaps with this as an influence, Aaron appears to be taking to the industry as well. He also says he enjoyed a high school senior year assignment in which students had to shop for a house, calculate the mortgage payment on the house, and create a household budget for living there. To further his interest in this space, he plans to study real estate at Kansas State University starting this fall. 

The industry can take you in a lot of directions, from various full-time jobs to a side hustle like mine. We'll see where young Aaron journeys to. Glad to observe these early steps!

The Advantages of Raising Kids in an Urban Setting

 

It is quite normal and usually celebrated when parents choose to trade in their kid-free urban existences and raise their families in the suburbs. Common reasons include better schools, fear of crime, and desire for more space. There is nothing inherently wrong with these choices and the reasoning behind them. 

One consequence of such a move is inevitably that kids end up growing up in a less diverse environment. American suburbs are almost by definition and purpose homogenous in socio-economic status, and unfortunately in this country that also means racially homogenous. 

Another consequence of such a move is that kids end up having a childhood that is more car-dependent. There are very few American suburbs (indeed, an embarrassingly small number of cities) where a car is not necessary for most life trips. Which has a number of economic, environmental, and societal implications, but one social consequence is that kids under the age of 16 are utterly dependent on their parents chauffeuring them around if they want to do anything. 

I don’t think that people who live in the suburbs are unaware of these consequences. But I think many have underappreciated just how impactful it is on their children’s upbringing. I’ll share a couple of anecdotes from last weekend to underscore how much I feel my kids have gained growing up in a city environment.

 I had just picked Asher up from a week of sleepaway camp and he was desperately missing the comforts of home. This included seeing his close friends, and as luck would have it one of them saw me barbecuing in the backyard and came over and asked if Asher was around. He and Asher ended up chowing down on hamburgers and watermelon, and then got the bright idea to set up a lemonade stand since it was a hot day (and, as 10-year-old boys, their desire for spending money is soaring). With minimal help from their parents, lemonade and signs were produced, a table set up, and business was brisk. It helped that neighbors were exceedingly generous in lining up as customers. But the ability to open this mini-storefront depended on pedestrian traffic, which was heavy even on a blazing hot day. No such possibility in a suburban environment in which people drive from Point A to Point B and cannot be interrupted mid-trip to have an interaction with and buy refreshments from two kids. 

When I went to check on the lemonade stand, which was four doors down from our house, I ran into my neighbor two doors down, who offered me a hearty congratulations to Aaron for his recent high school graduation, which I reciprocated to his son who had also just graduated from high school. In that moment, I realized these two boys had been in kindergarten together and now were seniors going off to college. I also realized that Aaron had had the good fortune of going to school with people from all walks of life – white, Black, Asian, Hispanic, professional class, working class, from Philly and not from Philly – and that his social experience and life perspective had been positively shaped by that diversity. 

Raising kids in an urban environment is not without its challenges. But it is replete with advantages for parents and children alike. I will note that our neighborhood is very special even among city neighborhoods, in terms of the density of amenities and diversity of households. But it is representative of a form that prioritizes diversity and non-car travel. And I think more people, when they become parents, should understand and value that.

Magic Report

 

Last week was my first time at our place in the Orlando area so I wanted to provide a bit of a dispatch on the experience. When we first closed on the unit, we extrapolated that it would do good numbers and that it would be a place we could enjoy ourselves. I'm happy to report that both are true so far. Recording some thoughts to document our own vacation, and if it influences you to consider booking our place for your memorable family getaway all the better!

1. First impressions are everything, and our first impression of the place came after a ghastly three-hour ride from the airport due to massive traffic delays throughout the region (it is normally about 45 minutes). Tired from the ordeal and thrown off our schedule, it was a delight to arrive to a clean and cutely decorated unit. Disney instrumental music was lilting from the TV, pillows and towels were presenting just so, and everything felt homey. We're off to a good start.

2. Three bedrooms and two bathrooms, with a spacious common area of kitchen, living room, and dining table, is perfect for a family of four to six, which means it's perfect for us. (I heard from my local realtor that the larger units, like 6+ bedrooms, are not selling or renting as well, which we both concluded had to do with the decline in multi-generational family parties getting their schedules synched up to vacation together.) There is far more closet space than anyone could possibly need while on vacation, and otherwise the unit is well proportioned in that it doesn't feel to cramped or too spread out. A balcony off the living room and a smaller one off the master helps if you want to have some private moments (or, in our case, let wet swimsuits and towels dry).

3. The property as a whole is also well proportioned. Each pod of buildings has its own pool area, so going for a swim is never too far away. The clubhouse pool proved to be Asher's favorite, as it is open later and tended to attract more kids for Asher to play with. Also popular was the spray park, especially for a summer vacation where midday temps broke through 100 and were never below 90. There's a nature trail that takes you around the two ponds on the premise and ends up at the lake, where you can find a restaurant, beach, and dock. (On our first visit out into the lake, we spotted an alligator!) 

4. Our own bookings and our observations while on site indicate that the resort caters to a very diverse population, which I'm very happy about. Clearly it is seen as an affordable, high-value family destination by households from all walks of life. What's funny is, way before we shopped for and bought this place, I had it in my notes from when Aaron and Jada were little that this would be a good place to stay if we ever did an Orlando vacation. I only learned this after we'd closed, which only confirmed that someone as frugal as me would like to spend a week there with his family.

5. The location is pretty good. Disney is less than 30 minutes away, and downtown and airport are about 45 minutes. Orlando is, of course, very auto-dependent, and this resort is a gated community where if you want to go anywhere you have to drive. Which is different for our family, which is used to ditching the car and walking everywhere (this is true of our other places in DC, Ocean City, and Miami Beach). I joked with my kids that Orlando would be where we would cosplay as suburbanites, but after that first drive where we were stuck on the highway it was not longer funny. Thankfully, that was an extreme outlier, and most of the rest of the trip we didn't hit much traffic.

6. Picking activities can be difficult when I want to go go go and the rest of the family are normal human beings who value rest and relaxation while on vacation. I think we generally got this right on this trip. I got to play two rounds of golf, the kids had lots of free time to enjoy the premises, and even the one bad weather day (thunderstorms all Thursday afternoon) worked in our favor as many of us clearly needed a nap by then. For a five-day vacation, we decided one theme park would be more than enough, and that Universal Studios was the right size for us, and I think that was all correct: Asher made it a lot longer than he usually does on a hot summer day, the ride lines were all reasonable (10-30 minutes), and the park size not being cavernous made everything manageable. 

This will not be our last Orlando vacation! Jada and Aaron were already scheming for when they could come back with their friends and without us, Amy and I will similarly hope for kid-free times here, and I'm hosting my first golf weekend with three close friends later this summer. The place is booking well so we are hitting our revenue numbers, and I'm glad for the option it represents for so much personal enjoyment as well. Not done daydreaming about future trips here, or shopping for additional places to buy!

Away from Home Again

 

My first extended time away from home (i.e. more than a weekend) was a week-long trip to Washington DC through school when I was 12. I recall, even in the midst of yukking it up with my close friends in our hotel room, also feeling terribly homesick to the point of tears. Admittedly, I was a sensitive child, but it goes to show you how hard it is to be away from home, with all that represents practically and metaphorically. 

Our kids have not seemed to have that problem. Jada and Aaron went to multiple weeks of summer sleepaway camp starting around age 8 or 9 and all through their teen years. And despite his special needs, Asher is now heading into his 4^th year of shipping off to sleepaway camp himself. 

Some of those weeks have been bumpy, including behavioral issues that have gotten him kicked out for the week. We’re hopeful that, being a year older and having familiarity with each of the places we’ve signed him up for, he’ll be fine and in fact have the time of his life making friends, being taken care of by amazing camp counselors, and enjoying the programming and nature that these places have to offer. 

I will admit that the benefit of sleepaway camp is twofold, for not only is it a learning experience for Asher but it also affords Amy and me a break from having to organize our entire lives around Asher’s schedule and needs. So if all goes well, everyone will win! Praying for this to be so.

 

 

Happy Father's Day to All the Dads Out There

 

If you're a dad, I want to take a moment to wish you a Happy Father's Day. Be celebrated today, be grateful for the opportunity you have to be a dad, and let all that strengthen your resolve to be the best father you can be. 

Happy Gotcha Day to Aaron

 

 

18 years ago today Aaron arrived in Philadelphia via Taiwan and has been keeping us on our toes since. Happy Gotcha Day Aaron and we're proud to journey with you!