Two Jadas

Jada's been such a blessing to us that we simply can't wait to
finalize our second adoption. (By the way, here's a quick update,
since we had our home study earlier this week: it looks like we'll be
going to China in early 2008 and that our child will be about a year
old by the time we meet him or her for the first time. Plus or minus
a few months in either direction, in both cases.) The thought of two
bon-bons, no matter how much of a stretch other parents tell us it's
going to be to go from one to two, fills our heart with anticipation
and wonder.

But lately, I have to admit I'm feeling a little anxious. Because
we're not going to get another Jada. There will never be another
Jada. Going from one to two kids isn't going to be like having Jada,
except having two of her. For this second child will be different.

And Jada's been such a good kid that worrisome thoughts start to creep
into my head. What if #2 doesn't sleep as well? What if s/he has
major behavioral or medical issues? What if we have to curtail our
non-parenting aspirations even further as a result of having to tend
to some specific issue that we didn't have to deal with for Jada?

It's tempting to just want two Jadas. It's scary to look inside and
doubt whether you have enough heart to love a child even if they're
harder to love in some way. It's sobering to consider the depth and
breadth of unconditional love I am signing up for in choosing to
become a parent again.

The first time around, I struggled to believe in God's goodness as it
related to the "when." I had in my mind a perfect time window when we
could go to China and make the transition to parenthood. I stressed
and struggled over working the paperwork so we could finalize our
adoption not too soon and not too late. We ended up missing the
window by a good several weeks, and yet God proved His timing to be
perfect, not to mention His provision of Jada into our lives.

It seems so far that what I'm struggling with this time around is the
"who." Who is this little person, who is probably already alive,
although perhaps in utero, who I am going to pour so many of my days
and dollars into? Will I trust that s/he will be just as unique to
the world and special to Amy and me as Jada has been? Will I even
desire that she is different from Jada, so that together the two of
them can bring ten times the flavor into our lives that each could
bring on their own? Will I believe that no matter what hardships and
challenges this little one brings to us, God will bring enough grace
and compassion and energy and wisdom for us to deal?

I pray I will.