Saturday, September 24, 2005

Having Trouble Waiting

Hands down, the wait from the time we heard we had a daughter and saw her picture to now (less than two months) has felt longer than the wait from the time we finished our paperwork to the time we got our referral (more than six months).  And I have a feeling that these last two weeks of waiting will feel even longer.  As we count down the days until we meet and hold Jada, we are having more and more trouble waiting.  I joked with Amy the other day in the voice of the guy that does all the movie preview voice-overs: "Coming soon, the most anticipated baby of our lives . . . Jada Huang!" 


But seriously, the anticipation is killing us.  Sometimes, I ache with a longing for my daughter.  Other times, I feel bored and empty.  Still other times, I hustle to get something done now so I won't have to worry about it once Jada is here. 


Seldom do I do what I ought to do more of, which is to be still in this anticipation.  To be still before God in this anticipation.  To prayerfully and humbly give myself, my daughter, and this time of anticipation into His care.  And to listen for the lessons and experiences He wants me to gain during this time of waiting.


There is an analogy I use often, about eating spicy foods.  The key, I've been told, is not to get riled up or numb the burning in your mouth with liquids, but to be still and to feel the pain.  Eventually, you will be able to stand it, and not only will you be able to tolerate it but you will enjoy it, and with it all the flavors that come with spicy foods. 


And so it is with suffering.  And so it must be, I'm sure, with anticipation.  That though it hurts sometimes to wait, that hurt is something we can be still before God with.  And He can give us an ability to not only tolerate that aching but fully take it in, and with it all the emotions and flavors and textures that go with it. 


We are good at numbing ourselves, at distracting ourselves, from pain.  In doing so, we're missing out on life.  May I not do so when it comes to anticipating Jada, but wait with patience and with an openness to all God has for me now and next. 

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