Marriage Models

 

I didn't grow up in the church. So my most formative years in the faith were in college and right out of college. I am thankful for the many people God put in my life during those seasons, to love and instruct me towards a solid foundation and healthy spirituality.

One thing I remember from those years is two distinct models of marriage that were held in high regard. One archetype was what you might call the traditional gender roles, where the husband works and makes the money, and the wife stays at home and raises the kids. Couples like this, and the people who applauded them, tended to be more old-school, and emphasize the importance of the husband providing for the family and the wife nurturing the family.

The other archetype was the ministry couple, where both husband and wife served in a church or para-church setting, either as interchangeable parts (they both basically did the same things) or complementary parts (e.g. the husband was in a formal ministry role while the wife led women's Bible study or headed up mercy ministries). There was much to commend about this model, seeing that both spouses are fully committed to doing God's work and to doing it together as equals.

Amy and I are neither of these things. We both work, but not with each other. She jokes that she hasn't a clue what I do, which by the way is not a compliment that what I do is really hard but rather a dig that it's too confusing to be able to explain. And we both laugh when people find out she's in health care and ask if I am too, since we both know I don't know the first thing about anything in that space.

But this too can be a good example of a marriage model that is respectful and impactful. We may not understand each other's work, but we admire each other for doing it and appreciate both the money that comes in as a result and the effort required to make it happen. And, it can be healthy to have spaces, both personal and professional, that belong to each of us, making the activities we do do together that more cherished.

It turns out that many, perhaps most couples are like this, at least in the circles we run in. There is nothing better or worse about this form of marriage, or at least I hope not, since I'm not quite sure how things would work if all couples were either in traditional gender roles or did ministry together. I celebrate those marriages based on those models, as well as the majority that look like mine and Amy's.