Loved by Your Father

I am so glad I took Jada to New York City to see "Dear Evan Hansen."  She had been listening to the songs for forever, and I now see why.  What an incredible, emotional, gut-wrenching force of a story. 

(mild spoilers ahead)

The musical has gotten deserved accolades for being so frank about its treatment of suicide, but I think another important mental health issue is the anxiety and self-doubt that is caused when a parent chooses to opt out of your life. 



The song "Waving Through a Window" is so good and catchy that I immediately took to it.  But only recently have I dived into the lyrics to see just how sad and stark it is (see below).  What a terrible life, to not want to stick your neck out out of fear of being further rejected or called out.  Yet this is how it can feel when your own parent has left you. 

Having three adopted kids, Amy and I have tried to normalize and celebrate each of our kids' journey.  They know we prayed for each of them to come into our lives.  We tell them God had a plan, a gracious and loving and unpredictable and unconventional plan.  And they know how thankful we are that that plan intersected their precious lives with ours. 

Still, they will invariably struggle, consciously or subconsciously, with a sense of anxiety and self-doubt that comes from the circumstances that orphaned them from their biological parents.  And no matter how much I lay their lives before our God in faith and hope, I know I will ever fret about their wellbeing. 

It is for this reason that I really do try, despite being busy and tired and selfish and fallible, to express my love to each of our kids in as many ways I can, even if it might feel excessive or awkward or scorned at the time.  To be left by your father, what a scar that can leave.  And to be loved by your father, how protective and life-affirming and freeing that can be.  May I ever choose to love, and in doing so allow our kids to break free from any anxiety and self-doubt so they can soar and shine.

"Waving Through a Window"

 

I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me

 

Give them no reason to stare
No slipping up if you slip away
So I got nothing to share
No, I got nothing to say

 

Step out, step out of the sun
If you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun
Because you've learned, because you've learned

 

On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I've always been?
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass
I'm waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
I'm waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?

 

We start with stars in our eyes
We start believing that we belong
But every sun doesn't rise
And no one tells you where you went wrong

 

Step out, step out of the sun
If you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun
Because you've learned, because you've learned

 

On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I've always been?
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass
Waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
Waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving?

 

When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
It's like I never made a sound
Will I ever make a sound?

 

On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I've always been?
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass
Waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
Waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me? (oh)

 

Is anybody waving?
Waving, waving, whoa-oh, whoa-oh