It's Important to Learn You're Not the Only Important Thing in Your Parents' Lives

It is not unusual in my extended tribe or in my high school or college peer group to parlay one's good education into a high-paying technical job; doctor or engineer is particularly popular among my Asian friends/family.  It is also not unusual for that job to simply be a means to an end, with the far more important allocation of time and attention devoted to children, whether coaching them, chauffeuring them, or otherwise spending quality time with them.  Indeed, in some of my circles this is so strongly the default that any talk about anything else - say, a new job, or a rewarding volunteer experience - is quickly diverted back to how are the kids and where are you going on vacation.

I love my kids but I'm also a workaholic.  And I've made my peace about that.  With my current friends, I'm much more likely to sprinkle generous doses of work updates and civic wonkiness with questions about kids' school experiences and extra-curriculars.  There are days I wish for an easier existence, but they are few and far between, because I like what I spend my time on, and while I'm glad kids is a big part of it, I'm also glad to have other pursuits.




Work-life balance, in my mind, is just that, a balance.  It is not code for "I have a job but it always takes a back-seat if something is up with my kids."  Which may seem obvious, but practically what that means is that there are times that work does take a back-seat for kids, but that there are other times that kids take a back-seat for work.  And maybe I wouldn't otherwise feel the need to offer an apology or explanation except for the fact that for so many of my friends and family, kids almost never take a back-seat for work, whereas for me it happens quite a bit.

But I think it's important for our kids to know that as important as they are to Amy and me, they're not the only important thing in our lives.  It's healthy for them to grow up understanding that we have responsibilities, pursuits, and passions beyond our identity as parents.  And it's good that they see what that's like, not just that I'm not home for dinner because I have a School Board meeting or am away for a couple of days because I'm leading a project out of town, but that when I am home we talk about civic pursuits and political dynamics and managerial frustrations and business opportunities.

I have the utmost respect for people who work hard, make good money, and devote the majority of their heart to their children.  What a wonderful life that is, and a wonderful upbringing that is providing for those lucky kids.  As for Amy and me, we are forging a different path, no better and no worse, but one that works for us, which is that there are other things that are important to us besides our kids, and that too is part of how we want to parent our kids as far as modeling for them what a fulfilling life can be.