Holding On, Letting Go

Picking up on yesterday's post about giving up on a fourth adoption, I wanted to share what's been on my heart and mind as far as how I'll hold on to and let go of what could've been.  Grieving is a process whose timeline is unknown until you actually go through it.  And so I know things will get easier eventually, even if I don't know how and when.

I do know that it is an active and not passive process.  Some of the activeness comes easy, which is to savor the kids we do have.  Over time, wondering how they would've adapted to a baby sister will evoke a smile more than a pang.

Time will also make me smile more easily when I see a little black girl in the street or on the subway, and the wonder of what it would've meant to add one to our family feels more like a peace that God's plans are perfect than like a sense of empty regret and bitter disappointment.

At the risk of embarrassing myself on many levels, I must also share a favorite One Direction song of mine, which has taken on deeper meaning as we awaited the arrival of and then said goodbye to a cherished baby girl.  This too will be a tangible portal back to the anticipation and then devastation of that roller coaster ride (and, truth be told, will probably continue to elicit tears from me for some time).

Ultimately, grief goes to the feet of a God who among other things is described as "a man of sorrows and well acquainted with grief."  To love is to risk hurt and loss, and sometimes to hurt and lose, sometimes deeply.  But it is the way to life.  So that's what I'll try to hold on to the most. 

Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain

I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us in her bones

It seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone

And I'll be gone, gone tonight

The ground beneath my feet is open wide

The way that I been holdin' on too tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life, I take her home

I drive all night to keep her warm and time is frozen (the story of, the story of, the story of)

The story of my life, I give her hope

I spend her love until she's broke inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

Written on these walls are the colors that I can't change

Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage

I know that in the morning now I see us in the light upon a hill

Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still

And I'll be gone, gone tonight

The fire beneath my feet is burning bright

The way that I've been holdin' on so tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life, I'll take her home

I drive all night to keep her warm and time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life, I give her hope

I spend her love until she's broke inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

And I've been waiting for this time to come around

But, baby, running after you is like chasing the clouds

The story of my life, I take her home

I drive all night to keep her warm and time is frozen

The story of my life, I give her hope (give her hope)

I spend her love until she's broke inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life