I'd Like to Be a Talk Show Host, and My First Guest is...Me?

 

My curiosity with people and thirst for knowledge have me dreaming of starting a podcast someday. I soar at the thought of inviting my favorite human beings and asking them questions to probe their perspective on this intricate world. 

(This is particularly true of fellow professionals who happen to be dads, since I benefit greatly from their take on how to navigate a life similar to mine. Although I welcome discourse with a diversity of people from all walks of life.)

Combined with my love of game of golf, and of golf as a platform for spending time with friends, I wonder if I should cosplay as a talk show host while on the course. It seems lovely to record myself talking up playing partners during and in between holes in a relaxed and positive setting. 

On that note, here is a partial list of the kinds of questions I like to ask those I golf with, to get to know them better and give them an opportunity to express themselves. If you've played with me, you've probably heard me ask you at least one of the following. 

(For further kicks and giggles, I'll provide a bit of my own answers, in italics. I guess my first guest on my talk show is...myself?)

1. If time and money were no object, how often would you play? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then hit the range on the weekend.

2. (for folks who were accomplished athletes) What do you bring from your past sports experiences that has been helpful on the golf course. Not for me personally since I wasn't elite in sports, but for my colleagues that were, I've found that no matter what the sport, those former athletes have at least three things in common. One is they have good hands, so they're usually pretty good on and around the green. Two is they have the ability to lock in during their shot, so they are able to execute without distraction or waffling. Three is they know how to take care of their bodies, so they're usually pretty disciplined and prepared when it comes to snacks, hydration, and stretching.

3. Between "Work Lee," "Home Lee," and "Vacation Lee," where are you most the same, and where are you most different? I acknowledge that I often bring my "Work Lee" persona home, and need to check myself if I start barking at the kids. Conversely, they like "Vacation Lee" because I'm much more chill and much more generous, although they also know that if they get too comfortable in ways that get on my nerves, "Work Lee" is never too far away.

4. (if their kids are older) When was the first time your child said to you, "Dad, you were right all along"? Still waiting to hear this

5. What's one lesson you've learned from golf that has broader life implications? For me it's that much of success on the course is figuring out where you can miss and where you can't. Since my shot dispersion is so wide since I'm a novice, I have to decide where to aim in such a way that if I'm way off, which I usually am, I don't put myself in trouble. So, for example, if I'm chipping onto the green, I want to make sure I get on the green even if I leave myself with a long putt, rather than getting too cute and trying to get close to the pin only to not only make it onto the green. There are clearly ways I now think like this as I navigate through the rest of my life.

6. Who among our shared circle of relationships is the best at golf? I love this question because it's fun learning who I know in one way (say, professionally) that is a stud on the golf course. 

7. Do you feel like who you are on the golf course is who you are in life? Invariably, and this is my answer as well, people fess up that they get frustrated and lose their cool on the course more than they'd like to admit and certainly more than happens in the rest of their life. Certainly golf is a uniquely frustrating activity, but in another sense because of that it tells me that I do still have a temper even if I've largely learned how to keep it in check in other settings.

8. When did you first start playing and why? I love hearing stories of friends who learned as a kid from their parent or grandparent. As for me, I didn't pick up a club until I was 49, and even then it wasn't for love of the game but rather to be a platform for networking with other business leaders.

Still Grieving But Still Grateful

 

On a recent plane trip, a young Black woman wearing a Penn Nursing fleece sat down near my seat. She had a very pretty face and carried herself with such grace and kindness that everyone around her (including me) could not help but notice and smile. I promptly put my headphones on and lost myself in the in-flight movie I was watching. 

But that night, I had a dream. In the dream was Aaron and Jada, but maybe 10 years older. Also in the dream was Asher, also 10 years older, and next to Asher was the young woman I’d seen on my flight. The four of them were talking and laughing as if they’d known each other their whole lives, and in my dream I was watching them from a distance with happiness in my heart. 

When you wake up from a vivid dream, it can take a while to realize where you are and what you were just dreaming of. I awoke with a sense that the dream had given me happy feelings, and it immediately occurred to me that I was imagining a parallel universe in which our fourth adoption attempt was successful and there was another child in our family. 

There must have been something about my very brief interaction with this young woman that triggered in me an image of our family having four kids in it, grown up and sharing close relationships together. I think of all those failed adoptions less and less, but clearly the hole it has left in my heart is still there, to want to be filled in such that a passing dream would form and evoke such happy thoughts. 

I told Amy about my dream and what I thought it meant. As luck would have it, not long after the dream, Asher asked me, unprompted, about my conversation with Amy, as he had overheard it and was curious to learn more about how we had tried to do one final adoption after his; this was something he had already known about but not had previously sought out more info on. 

I told him it was exciting to go for, as it would’ve given Jada a sister and Asher a younger sibling as well as another Black child to go through life with. And I told him it was sad to not have happen, although we trust in God’s perfect plans and are ever more grateful for the three children He did bring into our family. It seemed an appropriate conversation for his current age, and I’m sure not the last time we will delve into what another child would’ve meant for him and for our family dynamics. 

In life, it’s good to want things badly, even if it means that when we don’t get them we are crushed. While I think less and less of all of those “could’ve been’s,” there remains a grieving process that I am still working through, one which time and process have helped move from painful to reflective to even grateful. 

Let me tack on one more coda to this story. Where a lot of my conversation with Asher went was his interest in knowing what happened to the one little baby girl that we were on the brink of adopting. I told him we were at the airport to get her when the birth mother changed her mind, which was sad for us but in a sense a positive outcome in that it meant mother and child would stay together. I’m sure that he, perhaps more than the other two kids, has the most feelings about having been adopted out of his birth family.

Asher was not able to stay with his birth family, which is something he will have to go through his own grieving process to work out in terms of his sense of self-worth and belonging. I hope that he knows, from our words and actions, repeated every day we can remember, that God meant for him to be with us, and that we chose and continue to choose him to be ours. None of us will, on this side of glory, be fully shed of the wounds this life inflicts upon us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t live our lives, inclusive of feeling the residue of those wounds, with gratitude and serenity.

Real Estate is a Family Business

 

 

Though I rolled my eyes often at the time, I'm thankful for the many things my parents dragged me and my sister to growing up. Back then, I wanted to shoot hoops or sort baseball cards or read comics, not accompany my mom and dad to things like orchestra or hiking or the bank. But those early exposures proved useful to me, which they knew while I didn't.

One thing I remember is the occasional visit to a commercial facility that my parents had pooled their money with other Taiwanese families to buy and oversee. My parents would check on physical conditions, chat up tenants, and talk my sister and me through any outstanding issues. I don't recall being interested in these things, but clearly they made an impression since I can still remember those trips.

My own real estate interests have gravitated towards small residential units that have solid revenue potential and double as things our family can enjoy in the present (i.e. vacation properties) and/or potential move to in the future (i.e. downsize from our large rowhouse to a smaller place). Along the way, I've tried to talk our kids through my thought processes, whether scoping out things to buy, negotiating a closing, or positioning the place for rental. (I've even paid them handsomely to help with cleaning and prep between renters.)

Perhaps with this as an influence, Aaron appears to be taking to the industry as well. He also says he enjoyed a high school senior year assignment in which students had to shop for a house, calculate the mortgage payment on the house, and create a household budget for living there. To further his interest in this space, he plans to study real estate at Kansas State University starting this fall. 

The industry can take you in a lot of directions, from various full-time jobs to a side hustle like mine. We'll see where young Aaron journeys to. Glad to observe these early steps!

The Advantages of Raising Kids in an Urban Setting

 

It is quite normal and usually celebrated when parents choose to trade in their kid-free urban existences and raise their families in the suburbs. Common reasons include better schools, fear of crime, and desire for more space. There is nothing inherently wrong with these choices and the reasoning behind them. 

One consequence of such a move is inevitably that kids end up growing up in a less diverse environment. American suburbs are almost by definition and purpose homogenous in socio-economic status, and unfortunately in this country that also means racially homogenous. 

Another consequence of such a move is that kids end up having a childhood that is more car-dependent. There are very few American suburbs (indeed, an embarrassingly small number of cities) where a car is not necessary for most life trips. Which has a number of economic, environmental, and societal implications, but one social consequence is that kids under the age of 16 are utterly dependent on their parents chauffeuring them around if they want to do anything. 

I don’t think that people who live in the suburbs are unaware of these consequences. But I think many have underappreciated just how impactful it is on their children’s upbringing. I’ll share a couple of anecdotes from last weekend to underscore how much I feel my kids have gained growing up in a city environment.

 I had just picked Asher up from a week of sleepaway camp and he was desperately missing the comforts of home. This included seeing his close friends, and as luck would have it one of them saw me barbecuing in the backyard and came over and asked if Asher was around. He and Asher ended up chowing down on hamburgers and watermelon, and then got the bright idea to set up a lemonade stand since it was a hot day (and, as 10-year-old boys, their desire for spending money is soaring). With minimal help from their parents, lemonade and signs were produced, a table set up, and business was brisk. It helped that neighbors were exceedingly generous in lining up as customers. But the ability to open this mini-storefront depended on pedestrian traffic, which was heavy even on a blazing hot day. No such possibility in a suburban environment in which people drive from Point A to Point B and cannot be interrupted mid-trip to have an interaction with and buy refreshments from two kids. 

When I went to check on the lemonade stand, which was four doors down from our house, I ran into my neighbor two doors down, who offered me a hearty congratulations to Aaron for his recent high school graduation, which I reciprocated to his son who had also just graduated from high school. In that moment, I realized these two boys had been in kindergarten together and now were seniors going off to college. I also realized that Aaron had had the good fortune of going to school with people from all walks of life – white, Black, Asian, Hispanic, professional class, working class, from Philly and not from Philly – and that his social experience and life perspective had been positively shaped by that diversity. 

Raising kids in an urban environment is not without its challenges. But it is replete with advantages for parents and children alike. I will note that our neighborhood is very special even among city neighborhoods, in terms of the density of amenities and diversity of households. But it is representative of a form that prioritizes diversity and non-car travel. And I think more people, when they become parents, should understand and value that.

Magic Report

 

Last week was my first time at our place in the Orlando area so I wanted to provide a bit of a dispatch on the experience. When we first closed on the unit, we extrapolated that it would do good numbers and that it would be a place we could enjoy ourselves. I'm happy to report that both are true so far. Recording some thoughts to document our own vacation, and if it influences you to consider booking our place for your memorable family getaway all the better!

1. First impressions are everything, and our first impression of the place came after a ghastly three-hour ride from the airport due to massive traffic delays throughout the region (it is normally about 45 minutes). Tired from the ordeal and thrown off our schedule, it was a delight to arrive to a clean and cutely decorated unit. Disney instrumental music was lilting from the TV, pillows and towels were presenting just so, and everything felt homey. We're off to a good start.

2. Three bedrooms and two bathrooms, with a spacious common area of kitchen, living room, and dining table, is perfect for a family of four to six, which means it's perfect for us. (I heard from my local realtor that the larger units, like 6+ bedrooms, are not selling or renting as well, which we both concluded had to do with the decline in multi-generational family parties getting their schedules synched up to vacation together.) There is far more closet space than anyone could possibly need while on vacation, and otherwise the unit is well proportioned in that it doesn't feel to cramped or too spread out. A balcony off the living room and a smaller one off the master helps if you want to have some private moments (or, in our case, let wet swimsuits and towels dry).

3. The property as a whole is also well proportioned. Each pod of buildings has its own pool area, so going for a swim is never too far away. The clubhouse pool proved to be Asher's favorite, as it is open later and tended to attract more kids for Asher to play with. Also popular was the spray park, especially for a summer vacation where midday temps broke through 100 and were never below 90. There's a nature trail that takes you around the two ponds on the premise and ends up at the lake, where you can find a restaurant, beach, and dock. (On our first visit out into the lake, we spotted an alligator!) 

4. Our own bookings and our observations while on site indicate that the resort caters to a very diverse population, which I'm very happy about. Clearly it is seen as an affordable, high-value family destination by households from all walks of life. What's funny is, way before we shopped for and bought this place, I had it in my notes from when Aaron and Jada were little that this would be a good place to stay if we ever did an Orlando vacation. I only learned this after we'd closed, which only confirmed that someone as frugal as me would like to spend a week there with his family.

5. The location is pretty good. Disney is less than 30 minutes away, and downtown and airport are about 45 minutes. Orlando is, of course, very auto-dependent, and this resort is a gated community where if you want to go anywhere you have to drive. Which is different for our family, which is used to ditching the car and walking everywhere (this is true of our other places in DC, Ocean City, and Miami Beach). I joked with my kids that Orlando would be where we would cosplay as suburbanites, but after that first drive where we were stuck on the highway it was no longer funny. Thankfully, that was an extreme outlier, and most of the rest of the trip we didn't hit much traffic.

6. Picking activities can be difficult when I want to go go go and the rest of the family are normal human beings who value rest and relaxation while on vacation. I think we generally got this right on this trip. I got to play two rounds of golf, the kids had lots of free time to enjoy the premises, and even the one bad weather day (thunderstorms all Thursday afternoon) worked in our favor as many of us clearly needed a nap by then. For a five-day vacation, we decided one theme park would be more than enough, and that Universal Studios was the right size for us, and I think that was all correct: Asher made it a lot longer than he usually does on a hot summer day, the ride lines were all reasonable (10-30 minutes), and the park size not being cavernous made everything manageable. 

This will not be our last Orlando vacation! Jada and Aaron were already scheming for when they could come back with their friends and without us, Amy and I will similarly hope for kid-free times here, and I'm hosting my first golf weekend with three close friends later this summer. The place is booking well so we are hitting our revenue numbers, and I'm glad for the option it represents for so much personal enjoyment as well. Not done daydreaming about future trips here, or shopping for additional places to buy!

Away from Home Again

 

My first extended time away from home (i.e. more than a weekend) was a week-long trip to Washington DC through school when I was 12. I recall, even in the midst of yukking it up with my close friends in our hotel room, also feeling terribly homesick to the point of tears. Admittedly, I was a sensitive child, but it goes to show you how hard it is to be away from home, with all that represents practically and metaphorically. 

Our kids have not seemed to have that problem. Jada and Aaron went to multiple weeks of summer sleepaway camp starting around age 8 or 9 and all through their teen years. And despite his special needs, Asher is now heading into his 4^th year of shipping off to sleepaway camp himself. 

Some of those weeks have been bumpy, including behavioral issues that have gotten him kicked out for the week. We’re hopeful that, being a year older and having familiarity with each of the places we’ve signed him up for, he’ll be fine and in fact have the time of his life making friends, being taken care of by amazing camp counselors, and enjoying the programming and nature that these places have to offer. 

I will admit that the benefit of sleepaway camp is twofold, for not only is it a learning experience for Asher but it also affords Amy and me a break from having to organize our entire lives around Asher’s schedule and needs. So if all goes well, everyone will win! Praying for this to be so.

 

 

Happy Father's Day to All the Dads Out There

 

If you're a dad, I want to take a moment to wish you a Happy Father's Day. Be celebrated today, be grateful for the opportunity you have to be a dad, and let all that strengthen your resolve to be the best father you can be. 

Happy Gotcha Day to Aaron

 

 

18 years ago today Aaron arrived in Philadelphia via Taiwan and has been keeping us on our toes since. Happy Gotcha Day Aaron and we're proud to journey with you!

A Magic Kingdom Awaits

 

Later this month, I’m taking the family to our place in the Orlando area. Amy’s already been, with her friend, earlier this year, and we’ve made the place available to friends and family since we bought it about a year ago. But I personally have never been, not even when scoping it out and buying it in the first place, as I did a video tour thanks to my amazing local realtor. 

I’m excited to enjoy the place for the first time, as everyone’s said how great of a unit it is but I want to see for myself. Plus, it represents so many happy things for me, like having a place where the family can get away and relax together (in the unit and at the many amenities available on the property), as well as serve as a home base for lots of fun throughout the region (theme parks, golf, nature).

If you follow me on social media, be prepared for lots of photos and commentary! Looking forward to having the time of my life, now and for many more trips to come!

Going Off to College

 

For the longest time, Jada had her heart set on going to the West Coast for school. I braced myself for the logistical challenge of moving her in: plane tickets, buying stuff, where to store it over the summer. Then of course she ended up literally down the street, at Drexel University, where she has had a great college experience, and her mother and I have enjoyed seeing her often and not having to worry about the extra difficulties of her being far from home. 

Fast forward to the present, and we are getting ready to ship Aaron off to the great state of Kansas, where he will attend Kansas State University in the fall. And so begins the monumental task of coordinating travel plans, figuring out where to get winter clothes, and navigating a campus and town I’ve never been to (come to think of it, I’ve never even been to Kansas in my life either). 

Of course, I was a sheltered suburban California teenager when I shipped off to Penn and Philadelphia some 34 years ago, and I did alright. I had a severe learning curve to navigate a city setting, overall life survival skills, and a rigorous academic setting. If anything, 18-year-old Aaron is far more ready than I was at the same age. He knows how to cook and do laundry, and I didn’t; he has long navigated a big city on his own, whereas I was driven everywhere and then stumbled around in my own car with only a rudimentary sense of how to get places and where things were in relation to other things. 

Such is the college experience, truly, not just diving into a field of study to prepare yourself for your future career, but making the multi-year transition from kid living at home to adult launching out into the world. As I observe graduation ceremonies around here, I realize I will blink and Jada and Aaron (and then Asher) will be walking across the stage and into the beginning of real adulthood. Whether they stay close to home or are a long plane ride away, it’s their journey and I’m thankful to be along for the ride.

See You at Poolside

 

On the brink of Memorial Day weekend, thoughts of summer come easily to mind. As with last year, we've leveled up to a family membership at the outdoor pool at the Spring Valley Y, which for existing members is an affordable way to have access to an amazing outdoor amenity all summer long. Within our family, you'll particularly catch Asher and me there at least once a weekend, Asher frolicking in the water and making fast friends, and me reading a book or catching some ZZZ's. Ah summer...

You’ll Be Mad at Me and I’m OK With That

 

 

Parenting a special needs child is a lesson in many things, but I would say consistency is one of the most important. Asher is doing better behaviorally, but he is still prone to outbursts that can be hard for me to bear and him to wind down from. 

One of his social workers at school told me that some of the kids he sees are truly out of control, but not Asher. Like any savvy kid, he sees that if tantrums get him what he wants, he will continue to use them. The key is to not give in, because giving in reinforces the message to Asher that if he whines loud enough and long enough, he will get what he wants. 

And so it was that Asher and I were butting heads about something I wanted him to do that he didn’t want to do. Leave aside the other big life lesson – that in life, sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to, and not do things we want to – the matter quickly escalate into such statements as “I’m angry at you” and “you don’t get to tell me what to do.” Typical dad-kid stuff. 

Without breaking my calm affect, I told him “I love you, and when I tell you to do something, it’s out of love.” And, to both acknowledge his emotions and let him know his expression of them did not change my take on the situation: “I hear you that you are mad at me. Sometimes I will say or do things that will make you mad at me. You’re allowed to be mad at me. I still love you.” 

It’s not easy to watch your kid rage at you for minutes on end. But who said parenting was easy? What it is is an amazing way to express and experience unconditional love, and to watch that love mold a person into adulthood. I fall short many times, and even when I do the right thing I don’t always feel great about it. But such is my role in Asher’s life.

Kansas State University Class of 2029

 

This past weekend Aaron made a momentous life decision, which is where to go to college in the fall. He's chosen Kansas State University, where my dad went to grad school actually. Move-in will be a little more logistically challenging than when Jada went down the street to start at Drexel! But we are eager to take these steps with him as he embarks on this exciting new chapter in his journey to adulthood. Congrats Aaron, and now go get your high school diploma and go off into the world!

Our Family Car Turns 10

 

 

Ten years ago today, the day after we got home from OKC with Asher, I upgraded our family car situation from 2006 Chevy Aveo to 2015 Mazda Mazda5. Why this minivan? It was literally the answer to my Google query: what's the shortest car with three rows of seats. Enough to fit the whole crew while fitting into tight parallel parking spaces in our neighborhood. Ten years later it ha about 76,000 miles on it and has served us well. Happy birthday, family car!

Strings, Not Screens

 

 

Amy and I have, by philosophy and necessity, taken a fairly hands-off approach in our parenting style. This contrasts with at least a couple of common approaches nowadays, which are “Helicopter” and “Tiger Mom,” both of which involve extreme participation by parents, the former to do everything for the kids and the latter to impose rigorous demands on the kids. 

“Tiger Mom” or “Tiger Dad” is a very Asian thing, with the archetypal example being forcing your kids to practice a musical instrument for several hours a day. Indeed, I may be the only Asian parent in my peer group that did not do private music lessons for any of my kids, and many of my Asian friends’ kids are accomplished musicians as a result of the early instruction they received. 

Another manifestation of being more laissez-faire is allowing our kids a fair amount of latitude when it comes to electronic devices and screen time. Again, this contrasts with many of my friends, who delayed getting their kids smartphones until they were much older and limit its usage. 

I won’t say that I look back on our parenting decisions with regret. But, I do think there is something to be said for more strings and less screens. In a social media era in particular, screen time has turned many of our kids’ brains into mush. And here I’m not talking about the content itself, although obviously it is bad for kids to be watching material that is inappropriately sexual or violent. 

Rather, I lament that social media allows our kids immediate and unlimited access to people being effortless in their excellence, whether athletic achievements, artistic expression, or physical beauty. Isn’t that what social media is, is to show off how amazing you are if you are a producer and to gawk at how amazing others are if you are a consumer. And, whether producing or consuming, everything is perfect and everything is flawless and nothing is messy and nothing is hard. 

Ah, but life is far from perfect and flawless, and in fact is quite messy and hard. And, to further tie this together, when we see the pinnacle of human achievement, that perfection and flawlessness is the result of thousands of hours and millions of repetitions of messy and hard. Shooting a 3 and playing a violin solo only looks easy after many cycles of hard. 

It turns out playing a musical instrument as a kid may have very little to do with music itself. Sure, some will become accomplished musicians, and all will have some appreciation for music theory. But, the bigger lesson is that making something beautiful like music takes a lot of effort, including a lot of repetitions in which what you are making sounds terrible and jagged. 

I hope our kids strive for greatness in whatever they want to set their hearts to. And I hope that they understand that the path to that greatness is littered with many performances that are far from great. I worry that seeing only effortless excellence on their screens keeps them from this insight, and that they are not impaired from not having a tangible experience of scratching out a few notes on the way to actually making something that sounds good.

Happy 10th Birthday to Asher

 

This little guy is not so little anymore. Double digits! Celebrating our Asher extra today.

Let Him Cook

 

As he is the baby of the family, and with his special needs to attend to, it can seem like the rest of the family revolves around Asher. But, good parenting means preparing Asher with life skills for when he is out in the world.

This includes in the kitchen, where Jada and Aaron first took on dishes at ages 8 and 10, upon Asher's arrival. As Asher is about to turn 10, it's time for him to step up too, although is proclivities seem to be more about making food than cleaning up the aftermath.

Specifically, I make him omelets two or three times a week, and he's gone from wanting to cut the mushrooms to owning the entire process, albeit often with a little more smoke and burnt eggs. Where he seems to get into this is adding his own sauces after, some of which render the food inedible but clearly gives him joy in tinkering.

As much work as cooking for Asher is, supervising the nine-year-old version of him while he tries to cook is much more. But necessary, as with many things he'll need to learn to do as he grows older. So let him cook, I say!

Happy 25th Anniversary to Us

 Amy and I, as a couple, turn 25 today. It is weird to think that a quarter-century ago we invited our closest friends and family to come together as we made our vows and started on a path together. It has been a journey that has had its shares of ups and downs, but the thing about marriage is that the primary objective isn't maximizing the ups and minimizing the downs, but rather journeying them all together. In honor of our milestone, please enjoy these cheesy love songs that I dedicate to my love.

1. “Stuck with U,” Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande
2. “Kiss Me More,” Doja Cat
3. “Levitating,” Dua Lipa
4. “Holy,” Justin Bieber
5. “Stay,” Kid Leroi (ft Justin Bieber)
6. “Stay Stay Stay,” Taylor Swift
7. “Sunroof,” Nicky Youre
8. “Made You Look,” Meghan Trainor
9. “Cupid,” Fifty Fifty
10. “Perfect,” Ed Sheeran
11. "Die with a Smile," Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga
12. "My Universe," Coldplay ft BTS
13. “Birds of a Feather,” Billie Eilish
14. “APT,” Rose (ft Bruno Mars)

 

 

 

 

Remembering a Dear Friend

 

Glenn, my best friend in my 20's, would've turned 50 today. Sadly, he passed away unexpectedly in 2004, just a year before I became a parent for the first time. I miss him dearly and think of his family extra today. 

I often wonder what it would have been like for my kids to have Uncle Glenn in their lives. Glenn was truly larger than life, in physical strength and kindheartedness. He and I shared personal secrets and goofy jokes. Such friendships are rare and precious. 

I have no doubt that Glenn is looking down on us as I stumble through fatherhood. When we lose someone, we carry both the emptiness of their absence and the fullness of how they enriched our lives. He is not with us in body, but his influence on me extends to all around me. Love you, G-Train.

Navigating Non-Diverse Spaces

 

Through a combination of big life choices and dumb luck, our family is privy to lots of diversity in social spaces. Which we value and are grateful for, for many reasons. 

In parenting a Black child, as an Asian-American person (me) and white person (Amy), intentionality is important. We want to make sure Asher has access to diverse settings, including spaces where he is with other Black children and adults, and we’re glad that it’s not hard for us to have access to those spaces in our community and social network. 

There are, of course, some spaces we put Asher in that are not diverse. Here too we must exercise some intentionality. Because such spaces, unfortunately, often lack not only diversity but consistent conversations about diversity. Specifically, families that are aware of race and may even purport to be “allies,” yet skirt or altogether avoid tough topics that are relevant to kids like Asher. And, as a result, Asher can find himself in situations where people are ignorant, clumsy, or outright mean. 

I cannot say I fully grasp how difficult it is to move through the world as a young Black boy in America. But I do know that I do not want for Asher, or for any other young Black boy, to be confronted with racially loaded language, reinforcement of racial stereotypes, and racially explicit teasing. 

There are certainly outright racist people, households, and communities. We do not generally interact with them. Here I am talking about well-educated, well-meaning, and otherwise “progressive” folk, who have chosen not to do the work with themselves and their children on what is racially appropriate and supportive, who as a result create a hostile environment for Asher and others. 

The intentionality we as his parents must exercise, then, is to prepare him beforehand, debrief with him afterward, or alternatively make choices to not circulate in such spaces. Which I cannot say we always do right or well. But we are trying. And I ask others who want to be allies to also try. Which means leaning into conversations that may feel hard to broach but are necessary to work through. For Asher and for others like him, I ask this of you.