Parenting a special needs child is a lesson in many things, but I would say consistency is one of the most important. Asher is doing better behaviorally, but he is still prone to outbursts that can be hard for me to bear and him to wind down from.
One of his social workers at school told me that some of the kids he sees are truly out of control, but not Asher. Like any savvy kid, he sees that if tantrums get him what he wants, he will continue to use them. The key is to not give in, because giving in reinforces the message to Asher that if he whines loud enough and long enough, he will get what he wants.
And so it was that Asher and I were butting heads about something I wanted him to do that he didn’t want to do. Leave aside the other big life lesson – that in life, sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to, and not do things we want to – the matter quickly escalate into such statements as “I’m angry at you” and “you don’t get to tell me what to do.” Typical dad-kid stuff.
Without breaking my calm affect, I told him “I love you, and when I tell you to do something, it’s out of love.” And, to both acknowledge his emotions and let him know his expression of them did not change my take on the situation: “I hear you that you are mad at me. Sometimes I will say or do things that will make you mad at me. You’re allowed to be mad at me. I still love you.”
It’s not easy to watch your kid rage at you for minutes on
end. But who said parenting was easy? What it is is an amazing way to express
and experience unconditional love, and to watch that love mold a person into
adulthood. I fall short many times, and even when I do the right thing I don’t
always feel great about it. But such is my role in Asher’s life.
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