Attaboy

My dad was cut from the ilk of the typical Asian father from that era. He actually wasn't as stern or unforgiving as many of my friends' dads. But, the parental dynamic in our household was fairly stereotypical. For example, my dad didn't say much, and certainly wasn't effusive in his praise for me; that just wasn't a thing Asian dads did.

Fast-forward to the present, and I've often heard it say that, in parenting and in management, affirmation is crucial and must greatly outweigh critical words. For every time you come down hard on someone, balance it out with anywhere from 5 to 10 "attaboys," is something I've had people tell me. And, the science supports the role of affirmation in literally building up people, whether it's parents to kids or supervisors to workers. 

Knowing this, I can put forth the effort to give my kids positive affirmation, even as there many times I have to offer critical words. But I still have a long way to go. Let's say in a typical week I might need to come down hard on one of my kids five times. In that same week, I might find 10 occasions to say "good job." In my mind, that is literally 10 more times saying that than I myself heard during my entire childhood! Yet from my kids' perspective, they are feeling a deficit of anywhere from 15 to 40 "attaboys"! And given all that our kids - all kids - have gone through lately, the need for affirmation is likely greater so the deficit may actually be even larger.

As a parent, one must not be shy about correction and criticism. Kids have much to learn, and discipline is necessary for their healthy development. But let's sprinkle in a heavy portion of "attaboys" along the way. The kids need that too.