Kids Are Allowed to Be Not Okay

As Asher's behavioral issues have worsened, we have intensified our pursuit of special services to try to help him turn things around.  As this is our third of three children that we've had to do this for, there is no shame on our part in asking for help, nor in letting people know that we need help.  Not that there should ever be any shame in doing what you need to do to help your children to thrive, but of course I needn't tell you that in certain circles there is incredible pressure to maintain a sort of appearance of perfection and ease in parenting.  We've long past given up that front.




This may seem obvious, and yet I must observe that how people respond when I tell them that we are seeking special services for Asher betrays a lingering commitment to maintain such facades when it comes to our kids.  There are a few categories of common comments that I have heard that are supposed to be helpful but really aren't:

1. "Asher?  That is surprising to me.  He seems like such a good kid."

2. "Yeah, 3 is a hard age.  I'm sure he will grow out of it."

3. "But you and Amy are doing such a good job parenting him."

Maybe I am being unnecessarily hard on folks who really desire to express care and encouragement, and if that is the case I regret bringing this up.  But I feel compelled to address this notion that our kids must be okay at all times, that it simply is not allowed that a child should struggle in a substantive enough way that additional professional help might be needed.

"Asher?  That is surprising to me.  He seems like such a good kid."  Asher is a good kid.  But he clearly has behavioral issues that are not good to allow to linger.

"Yeah, 3 is a hard age.  I'm sure he will grow out of it."  Yes, 3 is a hard age, and maybe things will improve simply as he gets older and burns off some of the difficulty of this life phase.  But it is likely that he will do far worse at that without help than with help.

"But you and Amy are doing such a good job parenting him."  I actually feel very little of the usual parental guilt that modern dads and moms feel juggling raising kids with careers and other pursuits.  Yet it is still unhelpful to make a connection between our parenting performance and our children's special needs.  Whether we have exacerbated or allayed those challenges through how we have raised Asher is to me less important than that we are doing what we can to get him the extra help he needs to thrive.

Do you know what is helpful to hear, which I have so appreciated so so so many people going out of their way to say to us?  Things like "that must be hard," "I'm glad you are taking the time to get him help," and "I will pray for you guys."  Guess what these statements have in common?  They acknowledge that Asher is not alright, that in fact he has issues and needs help.

Kids are allowed to be not okay, because sometimes they are not.  And the sooner we can acknowledge that, we can be on our way to getting them the help they need, and feeling supported in doing so.