At the risk of having DHS called to my house, I'm doubling down on my commitment to teaching Aaron about consequences. Perhaps because of his delays or perhaps because of just being plain stubborn, what many kids learn as early as 18 months - I do Behavior A, I receive Punishment B in response, I better not do Behavior A any more - Aaron still hasn't quite gotten yet. They say you just keep on doling out the discipline, and at some point, they learn, and yet.
So when, in protest, Aaron threw his socks and shoes off when I was driving him and Jada home from school, I decided to let him face the consequences of his decision. I carried him up the first set of steps to our house but dropped him to the ground in front of the second set of steps. Bare feet, meet cold concrete. He howled immediately, and I did a three-count before carrying him up to the porch; still cold, but wood and not stone.
Parents out there: too far? Not far enough? Alas, disciplining will continue. But maybe he will remember this one. Cold feet may be hard for him to easily forget. I think I'm glad that, when faced with a decision about whether or not to let Aaron face the music, I didn't get cold feet.
3 comments:
Haha, great story, Lee!!
Well, I would say "didn't go far enough." =)
There is a movement to shelter children from difficult circumstances (that do not threaten life and limb) that has REALLY gotten out of hand.
As a result, we tend to shelter them from too much... and then comes the worse of all: a sense of entitlement. Self-enteredness.
"The world revolves around me, the kid"; it should be "the world revolves around us, the family " (until they really understand the power and place of God, that is).
Protecting them from cold concrete (and any other cause-and-effect scenario) also makes them feel that they are 1) not CAPABLE 2) not SIGNIFICANT 3) cannot display INFLUENCE on their world and you definitely want to engender all 3 in those two beautiful kids of yours very early on, Lee. Because they alternative is "I don't have to do it (or I don't want to do it) and Daddy and Mommmy will take care of it for me."
I think I would have let him sit down on the steps (likely he would feet suspended over the concrete) and quietly handed him his socks and shoes, and say "I think you need your socks and shoes. Here you go. Boy it's cold. Remember when I told you about that in the car? It's real cold. That's why we keep them on until we get inside."
Inside the house, I would have wrapped it up with a simple problem solving question like "Aaron, what should we do next time to make sure we don't get cold feet going up the steps?"
Lastly, and sort of unrelated, I try WHENEVER possible to add the participle "Aaron (Jada) can you help the family by .... [ie clean up your toys, put on your socks, put your clothes in the hamper]?"
It gives them sense that FAMILY (and not the child) is the center of all operations in the household. Plus, a rapid praise right after compliance gives them that sense of 1) significance 2) capability and 3) influence ("I helped the family, Daddy Yay!!")... even though they are really doing it, b/c well, ... they SHOULD be doing it.
Love you bro, I keep you and your family and your Mom and Dad my prayers.
Rich Moon
Rich, thanks for speaking the truth. I was just at a gathering of friends with our kids, and it was the kids that sat at the table, with the parents hovering around. What ever happened to "the kids' table"?
We're starting to take a more balanced approach with food (rather than "what do you want to eat," it's "you can have A or B") and schedule (rather than "do you want to do X now," it's "I told you we'd do X at 12p, and it's 12p, so let's do X"). Our kids seem to respond to this, especially after we made sure their initial attempts at resisting through tantrums would have no effect on us.
That said, my wife is quick to tell me to pick my battles. So there's no hard and fast rule: sometimes I am hard and fast, and sometimes I let them win. But I will be sure to incorporate your strategies in the future. Thanks for passing them on to me.
Rich, as a belated postscript to this conversation, you should know I employed your approach just the other day when Aaron refused to don his gloves on our way home from school. It was cold enough for me to insist but not so cold that I couldn't allow him to feel the consequences of his disobedience: when he continued to demur, I took his hat off too, and told him that soon enough he would be feeling how cold outside it was. Sure enough, within seconds, he asked for his gloves; I responded that I would put them on, but in one minute, so he could feel the cold long enough to remember. Then, I put his hat and gloves back on, and told him he should trust me that when I give him a choice, it's because he can go either way, but when I insist on something, it's for his good.
Thanks again for your advice, and hopefully we'll get a chance to catch up soon.
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