Grieving Loss, Celebrating Gain

Our life with two kids is beyond full, in almost every way. Yet,
having gained so much in adopting our two little ones, it can be easy
to neglect the important act of grieving what we have lost. Having
Jada and Aaron fills the void of not having children, but it does not
fill the void of not having children biologically; Jada and Aaron
gaining us as parents does not take away what each of them lost before
joining us.

We will never know who Jada's biological parents are, never know their
medical history, never know the circumstances by which she became
orphaned. We may not ever be able to connect Aaron to his biological
parents, and his story is complicated enough that it is in some sense
easier to deal with the unknownness of Jada's situation than it is to
deal with Aaron's. Aaron got good care from day one, but Jada was
left alone in the cold at age three days, and spent the next seven
plus months after that in an orphanage in an industrially polluted
town; time will tell if there is any residual damage. As much as our
kids may pick up our mannerisms, there is no shared DNA, no directly
seeing our physical features or mental abilities in them. As they get
older, their adoptedness will be an issue that they will wrestle with
and no doubt struggle with, no matter how much we help them accept
themselves, and that is a hard and tumultuous road that we simply
cannot shield them from but will have to walk with them down.

It has been said that if we could change the past, we ought not want
to, because God's plan is perfect, and in changing even one thing
would mean settling for something less than the best that He has baked
for us. I believe that to the core of my being, even and especially
when it comes to our kids. I feel unspeakably rich and am completely
without regret when it comes to how my family has been assembled. But
I also know that while God is good and His provision is perfect, it is
not without loss to grieve, even in the midst of gain to celebrate.