But I Want It

 

It’s a tale as old as time, one told with a mix of lament and pride. One generation is poor because everyone is poor. They work hard and make something of themselves, but their kids remember the scarcity they came from and live accordingly. Then they move to a new country, and scrape and claw to make a better life for their kids including a higher education. Those kids have all the privileges of an upper middle class existence, but their upbringing is one of thrift and caution. Their kids, on the other hand, are further removed from deprivation. They grow up in a prosperous era and are saturated with the ubiquitous social media messaging of showy abundance. Their parents’ scolding about frugality and budgeting often falls on deaf ears because it feels so distant from their actual lived experience. And they’re not all wrong: they and their parents can truly afford to live better than those who preceded them, so while it’s not good to be profligate neither is there any honor in being a miser when you don’t have to be. 

Aaron and Jada, both in college, are in a multi-year transition period from “living at home and Dad pays for everything” to “being on my own and I have to pay my own bills.” Such is the journey from childhood to adulthood, which comes with many perks but also includes having to make rent, buy groceries, pay for phone and utilities, and so on. 

Both our older kids have had jobs, so they know what it’s like to make money and they certainly have a lot of experience spending money. Full adulthood, of course, is quite different from when you’re 16 and have a summer job and make a couple hundred bucks in a week and it feels like a million dollars because you can buy clothes and go out to eat with friends. Grown-ups can obviously buy clothes and go out to eat with friends too, but in a sense those are “nice to have’s” that are secondary to the primary obligations of housing/utilities, transportation, and groceries. 

I am in the habit of polling my friends with young adult children how they’re doing in the lifelong challenge of living within their means. “Are your kids doing ok at adjusting their outflow to be no more than their inflow” is a wonky way I phrase the inquiry. I’ve received a diversity of responses, from grim head-shaking to beaming pride, befitting that some in this generation simply have no financial discipline while others understand the important notions of scarcity and saving. 

One friend described his child’s status in a funny way. They understood, intellectually, that if they had money, and then spent it, they no longer had the money, and so the next thing they wanted to spend money on they would have to wait until they had money again. “But dad,” they would say to him in a confused tone of voice, “I don't understand, because the thing is, I want it.” As if the want must necessarily be satisfied, so how is it possible that it couldn't be?

“Wants” can feel strong enough to evoke bewilderment that one can’t therefore automatically and immediately have it. Past generations would not have any trouble understanding that simply wanting something does not then give you the means to get it. But current generations can be excused, drenched in a culture of rampant consumerism and instant gratification, for having their antennae crossed when it comes to wanting something and having to forgo or delay or save up for it. Such is where my older kids, and many others in their era, are.