Black Families

 

Sometimes by my own initiative and sometimes in spite of my inaction, I've been blessed to have access to so many positive examples of Black families in my life. In our parenting of Asher, I feel the love of friends, neighbors, and an entire extended network of concerned folk, for which I am deeply appreciative.

I also feel that I personally fall short in ways that pain me when it comes to parenting Asher. I do not know what it is like to grow up Black in America, so as much as I might try to learn or connect him to others, it is simply not something I can provide him directly. And, all too often, I do not try hard enough to learn or connect him to others, making that deficit even larger.

Sometimes I am reassured by others that there are other things that I am able to help Asher with that I should be proud of, and I certainly understand and own that. But I don't think it quite makes up for the loss he will invariably feel as he grows up into this world and into his identity as a Black man. 

For example, there are people in my life who have identified as Black but who had a non-Black dad or a non-Black mom, and who have had to work through that deficit and forge a path forward in the absence of that more direct access to this lived experience. 

Let me press on this point a bit. I recall a conversation I had with a younger friend of mine not long after the George Floyd murder. As a Black man in America, he was reeling from all the emotions of this stark example of how people that look like him can be treated in this country. But, not having a Black father, he was also reeling from the lack of direct anchor to someone who's had to walk this specific path.

Asher will have to navigate the same. He will do so with a father and mother who love him dearly. We are not perfect but we are trying. But I am also pained about what I have not offered him, what I cannot offer him, which is so important for his sense of self. We will do our best to make up that deficit, and to support him as he navigates his own journey to be his best and fullest self.