Thursday, March 28, 2024

Closing Time

 


Twenty-four years ago today a young couple closed on their first home and then celebrated over fajitas at New Deck Tavern while worrying immediately about whether that large asset (by far the most they'd ever spent on anything in the world) would catch fire or fall apart or do 101 things that were out of their depth or financial capability. 

It feels like forever ago. Thankful for the things that fell into place to allow us to be homeowners, which we know is not a privilege available to all. I still worry about things beyond my pay grade. Probably more so, as the anxiety of not knowing what I don't know has now been replaced with the anxiety of knowing more about all the moving parts that can flare up at any time. 

But I'm pretty sure my strongest emotion is gratitude that this old structure, 100+ years old and full of character, has become the setting of the family Amy and I have built. It's been a lot of hugs and kisses, a lot of diapers and barf clean-up, a lot of heartache and tears, a lot of laughter and celebration. This old house is our home, a blessing that young couple probably wished for but couldn't have possibly conceived of at the time. So we mark the occasion with happiness and reverence.

Friday, March 22, 2024

The Balance in Work-Life Balance

 


I run a small professional services firm. So I think about that mystical "work-life balance" a lot. Somewhere in between "9-5" and "80-hour work weeks" is what we aim for, which I think is the right place to be, but it is trickier to stick that landing than either extreme. What does it mean to honor the boundaries that allow people to have meaningful lives outside of work, and yet at the same to be the sort of customer-facing firm that understands that the real world has real deadlines and real expectations? 

So I grapple with this, for myself as a husband and father. And I know that I set the tone, in policy and example, for my co-workers, who also have spouses and kids and elderly parents, as well as civic passions and hobbies and life events. 

"Balance" implies that there are two (or more) things pulling on you, and that it is an ongoing task to manage each of them, because they are simultaneously important and yet not the only thing in your life. So I guess you can start there, is to acknowledge this somewhat perilous existence, be thankful that you have multiple important things in your life, accept that you cannot possibly "do it all," and do your best to honor every part while being kind to yourself that you won't always get it right.

It may helpful for me to get more specific. Not that I assume I have this right, and even if I do things will change and I will need to adapt in response. But a few things come to mind when I try to hold my life together in balance:

* The very first hours of the day are for me: spirituality, exercise, getting myself ready for the day. Due to my responsibilities, that means I have to get up at 4am. And since I'm trying to prioritize sleep, that means I have to wind down around 9pm. 

* I'd rather work longer hours during the week than have to do anything substantive on the weekend. Whether it's because I have a lot of parenting or social things or because I want to bum around, I think it's good to take an extended break from the work grind.

* My official work day is usually constrained by kid drop-off and pick-up. When there's more work in a day than that allows, I catch up in the evening. The rare times there's less work in a day than that, I'm still in the office the same amount of time.

* A lot of times I miss the swim meet or the choir concert. When I do make it, I usually have to work after bedtime to catch up.

* While I do have to work at home sometimes, I try not to. On the flip side, I try not to handle personal or family things while I'm at work. I'm glad I have the flexibility to toggle, and I use that flexibility, just sparingly.

* When I'm golfing, I don't take calls or emails, and I don't think about anything but grinding it out on the course. Conversely, I'm usually grabbing the earliest tee time possible and I play pretty fast, so that I can get back to work or family as soon as possible. (Although this is an area that I'd like to rebalance a bit, in terms of allowing myself a more leisurely pace and not always feeling so rushed.)

* When I'm on vacation, I like to be largely but not totally off the grid, and at the same time I don't like having to catch up when I'm back, nor do I consider that fair to my co-workers and clients. So I try to work extra before to get to a good stopping point where balls are in other people's courts while I'm away, which minimizes (although doesn't totally eliminate) having to do long-form work like generate content or edit reports. I try to limit my email check-ins to four times a week (at the end of Monday through Thursday). Rarely will I take a synchronous meeting.

* Three or four times a year, I will take a personal day. No calls or emails, just golf or bike-riding or sight-seeing.

I wish less and less that I had an 8th day of the week to get more done. I'm more comfortable with my limitations, able to accept where I fall short, able to celebrate where I did a good job. You may look at my list above with horror or admiration. It works for me, for now, and I'm grateful for all that makes up my life.

Friday, March 15, 2024

This is Us

 


Amy and I watched the first episode of "This is Us" several years ago, when we were in the midst of our own adoption-induced emotional roller coaster. We remember really liking the show, but feeling we weren't ready to dive further in, given how raw our own feelings were at the time. So we ceased watching and let things be.

Fast forward to the present, and we have been catching up on and enjoying all the episodes. If you're not familiar, the show takes place across two points in time, during the childhood and then adulthood of three siblings and their parents, the three siblings including the surviving two of triplets (the third didn't make it at birth) and a Black boy who was abandoned at birth and brought to the hospital on the same day. 

I knew the show would pull at my heartstrings, but I don't think I was adequately prepared for all of the ways the drama in the show would open up for me new aspects of the joys and sorrows of adoption, race, marriage, and parenthood. Life is full of these ups and downs, artfully captured in this lovely show and mirrored in the tumult of our own lives. Thankful for it all. This is, truly, us. PS No spoilers; we're only one season in so far!

Friday, March 08, 2024

Away, Again

 


Asher's first experience with sleepaway camp was, admittedly, a bit of an experiment. He was 7, much younger than Aaron and Jada were when we first sent them off. And, we didn't know it at the time, but this was before ADHD meds. We were not surprised when he struggled behaviorally, and was not able to complete two of the four one-week sessions. He had a blast, but he was so young, and this was so new, so we were glad to have given it a try and hoped ensuing years would be easier.

Last year we also did four weeks, but in two separate places, and he did really well. It helped that at the one camp he had the same counselor as the previous year, who may very well be not a young man but an angel in disguise, given how patient and dedicated he was with Asher. Between a great counselor, another year of experience, and proper medication, Asher did much better.

This year we'll try three different locations over five weeks. By this stage, Jada and Aaron grew to adore these camps and were pretty good at packing for them on their own (albeit being slightly older by Year 3). Asher doesn't seem to be as enthused, and keeping track of possessions is notoriously difficult for him. But we're praying for another sterling experience.

Friday, March 01, 2024

Raising a Reader

 


Happy to report Asher is making progress on the reading front. He still has a long way to go to catch up to his classmates, but he's getting more confident as he memorizes more short words and gains more mastery sounding out longer words.

Books have always been a part of our lives. To this day I still read to Asher every night. And bookstores are a favorite destination for us when I'm in a generous mood. Hopefully soon he'll be able to dive into his own reads on his own. I hope we are helping make a lifelong reader.

Friday, February 23, 2024

Nineteen!

 


Tomorrow our oldest turns 19. We are so sentimental as we proudly watch Jada become a young woman. Last year she officially became an adult, this year is her last as a teenager, and soon she will be graduating from college and entering into "the real world." She will always be our first baby. But we love the grown-up she is becoming. Happy birthday, Jerds!

Friday, February 16, 2024

Tired

 

 

Asher begged us for a scooter for Christmas, so I took him to Walmart to pick one out. It's been a good purchase all around. We do a lot of walking in our neighborhood, and it's a lot funner for him to use two wheels and a lot easier for us to not hear him whining about his legs being sore. It's pretty hilly where we live, but he's been pretty good learning how to navigate the downhills and power up the uphills. Glad his first wheels have been a good experience so far.