The teen years are a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. Amy and I have two under our roof, both on the older side of those teen years. So while they are still kids and we retain significant responsibility over them, it’s also a time for us as parents to step back and make room for them to make their own decisions, own their own actions, and deal with the good and bad consequences. You know, like a grown-up.
I’ll keep things generic as to the things Jada and Aaron are working through in their lives, and the approaches Amy and I have chosen to take to support them. But what I did want to say today is that there is a form of helping that comes from not helping. Meaning that there are ways we could help our teens. But is it really helping? Or does it help them more for us to not help, so that they have to handle things on their own?
I can give an example from my own teen years. I remember being home from college one year. I had an interview for a coveted internship at a prestigious financial services business in town. It was an early morning interview, and I overslept the time. When I finally woke up and realized what had happened, I looked at my mom with incredulity that she had not made sure I was up. In her loving and wise way, she betrayed no panic or annoyance in responding that she was not aware that I needed her assistance since I had not asked for it.
Missing the plum interview was a hit I took due to my lack of planning. Which, would it have been helpful for my mom to anticipate that I might need her to make sure I was up in time? Or, was she playing the long game, realizing that in life I’d need to take responsibility for my own sleep schedule, or at the very least to actively ask for help rather than assume others around me would bail me out?
So…to help? Or to help by not helping? That is the question.
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