This recent article in Time Magazine raises delicate yet important issues about the difficulty of parenthood. It is of course anyone's right to decide not to bring children into the world, for whatever reason they have to arrive at that conclusion. But is it ok to express regret over becoming a parent, to effectively say that if given a chance to go back in time you'd move forward without your child(ren)?
The article seems to want to give space for people to be honest. As an adoptive parent, I think this even more fraught. Kids did not ask to be born; kids who were adopted have already received one loss of some sort before they even get to us. I cannot fathom compounding those complicated feelings with anything but unconditional acceptance and love.
Obviously, there are days in every parent's life that raising kids is no day at the beach, when thoughts easily go to a parallel universe in which you can literally just have a day at the beach instead of whatever parenting burden you are carrying in the actual universe. But is that the same thing as having or expressing regret?
In my cultural upbringing and in the faith I have chosen for myself (or at least my best understanding of both), it is important that life is not all days at the beach. We are not necessarily masochists. But we do understand that life is a rich texture of good and bad, ease and suffering. Indeed, the highest of all ideals and the greatest of all pleasures, love: what is that without heartache and pain and difficulty and loss?
I have said often that I want my kids to know they are the most important thing in my life, but that they are not the only thing in my life. So yes, I'm in it with them for the long haul, even if I literally need to take a day at the beach (or a trip to the golf course in my case) every once in a while. Me deriving great pleasure from the latter does not negate the primacy of the former.
On a deeper level, I believe deeply and gratefully that God gave Amy and me the kids He wanted for us. Separate or apart, thriving or struggling, making us soar with pride or causing us to want to wring their necks...in any and all circumstance, we will catch ourselves glancing at each other with some version of: God is working on us right now, God is laughing at us right now, and most of all God is blessing us right now.
I cannot speak to the central question of the Time article. I can say that, through hardship I could not have possibly fathomed in my pre-dad days, I have no regrets for how life has played out, and am deeply thankful to have Asher, Aaron, and Jada in my life.
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