Identity

In the times we’re living in, the following statements may be considered controversial or even inflammatory – that is not my intent - but let me say them anyway: 

1. A non-Black family adopting a Black child does not automatically make them racist 

2. Nor does a non-Black family adopting a Black child automatically make them not racist.   

For those of us who seek to do this right, doing it right is not an easy journey, though it is so worth it.  Assuming the worst of our motives, words, actions is unhelpful.  Though advice, corrections, and even rebukes are, if given in love, greatly welcomed and deeply cherished.  

And for those who do this with no regard for the responsibility that comes with it, agreed that that is deeply problematic. And for those who then say “therefore I can’t be racist,” that is in fact racist, as it devalues and extinguishes a defining part of the child’s identity.

Our first experience with adoption was with Jada, who we adopted in 2005.  Chinese adoptions had been a thing for quite some time at that point, and we were aware of stories of Chinese girls adopted into white families living in mostly white communities, whose ethnic identity was utterly ignored but for an occasional performative red dress here and there, and who would then go off to college, be seen by the rest of the world as Asian, and have no point of reference for understanding what that mean for their identity.  

Hence, it was important for us from the beginning to help Jada (and then Aaron) understand, embrace, and be proud of their Asian heritage, as an important part of their overall life story and personal identity.  Of course it has helped them that I am also Asian, and that my childhood consisted of navigating my own hyphenated status.  

Asher's arrival into our family makes us a more "conspicuous family," in that it is clear at first glance that he is adopted.  And, neither Amy nor I have any direct life experience to draw from in knowing how to be a Black child or parent a Black child.  We are thankful for our extended village of friends who have been gracious, generous, and insightful in helping us navigate everything.  

But we still have much to learn.  Our conscious and unconscious biases are challenged daily, our take on the world expanded, and our appreciation for the depth and beauty of the Black experience in America enhanced.  As with Jada and Aaron, we want Asher to be comfortable with and celebrate his racial identity, that just as part of who he is is an adopted child, part of who he is is a Black child.  

Every child navigates their sense of self in a world that starts with just immediate family and eventually expands well beyond that.  Our kids have extra aspects of that identity formation, including being adopted and being Asian and Black.  It is the honor of my lifetime to watch and guide this process.